The awards for the Grand Prix of the Americas are now in
Smoked Meats Award
Texans love barbequed meat. Those following the Lone Star pride fondly refer to steak as ‘the thinking man’s salad’ as the locals worship brisket like it’s the second coming of the Alamo.
Meanwhile vegans go hungry. And rightly so.
This award goes to the rider that smoked the field.
Winner: Marc Marquez
The Spanish rider was unstoppable all weekend and never once looked like not winning. This is his circuit and all his rivals knew he’d be the king before a wheel had turned. An utterly dominating performance.
Okay I’ll admit to save time I wrote this before the race. But Marc was destined to win big in Texas. He’d already won every race this year. His COTA record is amazing. And he’s sat on the best bike on the grid. This result was more predictable than a Bradley Smith wig try-on.
But somehow ‘The King of COTA’ didn’t win.
Actual winner: No one.
Marc was fastest but fell off. Pecco was faster than Alex but was beaten by him in the sprint. Alex leads the championship without winning a race. A ‘No Smoking’ area.
Alien Encounter Award
If TV has taught us anything it’s that the southern American states are plagued with alien activities and abductions. One minute the yokels are out swigging moonshine and discussing the benefits of inbreeding and the next they’re being anally probed by some little bald guys.
This award goes to the rider that disappeared from the scene mysteriously only to return with a sore arse.
Winner: Johann Zarco
After his incredible race last time out in corned beef territory Zarco was in a bullish mood stating that he’d want the Factory Honda ride next season. And to be fair, haircut aside, he’d deserve it.
Then COTA happened. Zarco, without explanation, peculiarly disappeared to the back of the field. Not quite Somkiat Chantra pace, but still pretty poor. For practice, qualifying and the sprint race Johann was more invisible than a Scotsman when it’s his round.
Then, having been beamed off the calendar, the Frenchie reappeared in the tricky conditions of the main race and started making good progress. Sadly Johann then fell off and landed on his ‘le shitter’.
Walker, Texas Ranger Award
Walker, Texas Ranger—the show where Chuck Norris single-handedly turns the Lone Star State into a punching bag for every mullet-wearing thug dumb enough to cross him. A Texan fever dream where denim is king and crime doesn’t pay—because Walker’s size 11 boot says so.
This award goes to the rider who managed to punch his way out of a difficult situation.
Winner: Pecco Bagnaia
Nowhere, ever in the history of the internet has the mild mannered Bagnaia ever been compared to Chuck Norris. That would be like comparing a Mexican to a workaholic. But hear us out…
Before the main race the bearded Italian was in a sticky situation. He was 5-0 down on his teammate…and the entire Marquez family. No one gave him a chance. But somehow he left America having successfully kicked Julia Marquez in the olive-stones and taken the race win.
Rodeo Award
Rodeos are a major part of Texas culture and are essentially a chaotic inbred talent show where brave souls with simple minds attempt to ride ornery bulls with only a ten-gallon hat to protect their smooth cerebrum.
Inevitably the rodeo cowboys, most of whom will be called Bubba, will all feel gravity’s pull in a painful way.
This award goes to the rider who fought a challenging beast but eventually fell flat on his face.
Winner: Marc Marquez
Marc’s Ducati was bucking like a caffeinated kangaroo in the sprint race but the Spanish Antichrist was still able to tighten the reigns and guide it home to victory. The unstoppable King of COTA!
Or not. Having lost his hoofing on the slippery wet kerbs whilst comfortably leading the main race ‘the King’ was relegated to a Jester as he slid down the road.
Texas Hold’em Award
The famed poker variant Texas Hold’em is a card game that lets you bluff like a politician and fold like a lawn chair. Everyone loves it…except maybe those poor souls that lose everything and thus have their lifeless body dumped somewhere in the Chihuahuan Desert by a native American.
This award goes to the rider who gambled and won big with a weak hand.
Winner: Jack Miller
Most people thought that this season would be Jack’s last in MotoGP. Having almost run out of manufacturers to ride for and teammates to get beaten by this surely was set to be Miller’s last fling before the WSBK retirement home championship. But not us at MGPNews. We always believed in our boy Jack.
Sunday’s tricky conditions were perfect for the Australian given his track record of overachieving then falling off in them. But in America he gambled big and won! Well not a win exactly, but a fifth place which on the Yamaha nail is the mathematical equivalent of winning the Melbourne Cup on a trombone.
