Before the season started the hen-pecked Italian Pecco Bagnaia comically put forward a scientific explanation to why he is usually a bit rubbish in the sprint races – a fact that technically lost him the championship last year. The tipsy driving Italian rubbished the common belief that his substandard Saturday races were because he couldn’t copy Jorge Martin’s race set up data and instead pointed the finger of blame at the small fuel tank used in the sprint races.
The problem now, however, is that Pecco’s beard faces the very real prospect that his hated teammate Marc Marquez will easily beat him in the main race as well as the sprint race meaning he’ll now need an excuse for Sunday too.
Luckily we at MGPNews have the Italian’s back and have put forward a small but perfectly formed list of scientific excuses that Bagnaia can use royalty free.
Wandering Bladder
If a small fuel tank can upset Baggers’ pace then why can’t he use the larger tank as an excuse too? We suggest the beard-shod Italian claims that he has a nasty case of urge incontinence – namely the sound of liquid sloshing around makes him need a ‘gypsy’s kiss’. The increased fuel tank will not only cause more bladder-triggering fuel to splash around unhindered but also amplify the sound.
Needing a wee mid race is bad news. In 2023 the medical paper ‘Voluntary Urinary Retention Effects on Cognitive Performance’ (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36754996/) was published and it outlined how poorly the brain works when we’re busting for a squirt…and that’s before it starts dribbling down the inside of your race leathers.
Kampanaphobia
As most people know kampanaphobia is the real name for the made-up phobia of the sound of bells. Obviously, like long Covid, no one really actually has this but it’s a great way for attention seeking halfwits to scrape some sympathy from unknown people on social media.
Given that all the Sunday races are run on a Sunday there’s a very high chance that somewhere near to the track a church bell will be banging away and annoying everyone. The Italian could easily claim he’s caught a free batch of kampanaphobia from not washing his hands after eating a troublesome calzone and that this is causing him trouble in the main race.
Furthermore for the races where they don’t have churches or are smart enough not to follow religion then Baggers could still claim the fear of it happening was affecting his performance and allowing his teammate to embarrass him.
Quantum superposition
Back in 1801, when Jeremy McWilliams was in his racing infancy, Thomas Young conducted an experiment using light to demonstrate that it behaves as a wave, producing an interference pattern. Pretty boring stuff.
However in 1961 it was proven that these particles would change their behaviour if observed proving that past events in quantum mechanics can be influenced by future choices. It’s been a real head-scratcher since it’s discovery*. But how could Baggers use this as an excuse?
In short Bagnaia could claim that he, like the quantum superposition particles, can only win when no one is looking. In previous years when the Italian hit the lead in the main race everyone nodded off so the outcome of him winning was never truly observed. But with the possibility of Marc Marquez making a mockery out of him viewers are staying awake longer and by observing the race it forces an outcome – one that poor Pecco gets beaten in.
