The awards for Agentinian GP are now in:
The Tango Award
The tango is a sultry, dramatic dance with enough hip action to put Jorge Martin back out of action for another two months. Originating from Argentina, it’s the perfect mix of passion and domestic violence set to music, where every sensual move screams, “I love you, but I’m still angry about the Falklands.”
This award is for the most stylish rider.
Winner: Johann Zarco
Only a few years ago Johann ‘accountants haircut’ Zarco was blubbing into his macaron because he hated his KTM and insisted on honouring his countrymen by quitting. It’s hard to believe that same sobbing mess is now triumphantly leading the battle charge on the Honda heap.
But here we are. A leopard may not be able to change its spots, but a frog can change its croak. Zarco, again, was brilliant. The accordion loving LCR rider qualified on the front row – which only last year would have seemed more impossibly out of place than Kurtis Roberts in a trophy engraving shop.
Fourth place in the sprint race and sixth in the main race doesn’t really do Zarco justice in what was probably his best MotoGP weekend ever. Unlike Luca Marini.
The Diego Maradona Award
Argentina’s most famous export was the portly, cocaine loving footballer Diego Maradona with his famed magical left foot and a moral compass that spun like a fidget spinner. Diego will probably be best known for his famous “Hand of God,” where he punched the ball into England’s net in ’86 but claimed it was just winning with extra flair.
This award is for the biggest cheat.
Winner: Marc Marquez
If a subset of the internet is to be believed then Marc is definitely cheating. That’s the only way he can win. Here’s how he’s doing it:
- Ducati giving Marc a superior bike
- Ducati giving Marc the best engineers
- Pecco getting an inferior bike
- Making Pecco do the testing whilst Marc works on race pace
- Switching the canteen from pasta to tapas
The main thrust of this week’s cheating allegations is that Bagnaia himself has stated that he wants to scurry back to using the GP24 as soon as possible. This can only mean that Ducati have developed the GP25 to suit Marquez and not Bagnaia.
All-in-all it’s clear that, just like Maradona, Marc Marquez is a dirty cheat…just not as dead (much to the disappointment of Italy).
The Beef Award
Argentinians love beef. Indeed if you ask for a salad in Argentina it’s just steak cosplaying as a vegetable plate. “It grew up on grass!” The only other food source available in the country is a side of chimichurri, which is basically parsley having an identity crisis next to the real star: more meat.
This award is for the biggest beef of the weekend.
Winner: Italy
Italy is feeling like the Nonna who just found out her secret pasta recipe got leaked on TikTok by an American influencer. The collective groan from Bologna to Rome could be heard throughout Europe as the Antichrist and his brother once again dominated proceedings.
But it wasn’t just the win that had the poor Italians booting the crap out of their vespas it was the upcoming significance.
Firstly Bagnaia had even less of a fight in him. Almost at a ‘French’ level. The bearded Italian found himself outclassed by both devil-brothers but also by the rejuvenated Morbidelli. Who side is he actually on?
Then there’s the legacy worry. Now, more than at any other time in history, Marc Marquez looks capable of beating all Valentino’s MotoGP records which is Italy’s last claim to greatness in MotoGP.
Finally they know COTA’s coming next…
The Falklands War Award
This war was an epic yet pointless punch-up in the 80s between the United Kingdom and Argentina regarding who owned the crappy little Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic. It was the equivalent of having a fight over who wants ownership of the damp patch behind the toilet.
What made the conflict even more pointless is that if Argentina would have just waited and asked for the islands now instead the United Kingdom would not only hand them straight over but pay the Argies for the honour.
This award is for the rider that looked strong but fell to pieces when the action started.
Winner: Marco Bezzecchi
Bezzecchi looked fast throughout practice but began to crumble when qualification began.
Worse still in the main race he tried to counter his poor qualifying result by braking later than everyone else…but there was a significant reason why the other riders were all trying to slow down. The outcome was that within five seconds he’d ruined his and a hapless Quartarararararo’s race.
The Gauchos Award
Gauchos: the original cowboy cosplayers of the Argentine plains, strutting around in baggy pants and ponchos like they’re about to drop the hottest folk album of 1820. These rugged beef whisperers herd cattle across the Pampas with a mix of tough love and a lasso that says, “I’m not mad, just disappointed.”
This award is for the biggest cowboys
Winner: Ai Ogura’s team
Ogura once again was a star in the main MotoGP race – the new Acosta…only less ferrety. But the Gulf rider’s efforts were shoved up his ‘brown gulf’ after he was disqualified for using some wrong software. And what could be more exciting than a technical penalty?
Seems though Trackhouse Racing were using an illegal ‘Student Licence’ of their Windows 7 and hadn’t coughed up for the full Professional version. No one likes a cheat.
The Javier Milei Award
Javier Milei is Argentina’s president and, possibly, also Guy Martin. Milei is helping to turn his country’s fortunes around…but actually he’s a terrible guy. Why? Because he’s right wing. Or ‘far right’ as it’s also known. This means the world’s media hate him and will force you to hate him too…and if you don’t then you’re a Nazi.
This award goes to the rider who was good despite everyone telling us he’s terrible.
Winner: Franky Morbidelli
Morbidelli’s been slated as being useless and only in MotoGP because of his strong connections with the People’s Republic of Valentino Rossi’s Neverland ranch. Other MotoGP outlets have constantly bemoaned Franky for hogging a decent seat that could have been taken by a rider that wasn’t a festering bag of seepage. But not us at MGPNews. We’ve always known Morbidelli’s a class act. ‘Good old Franky’ is what we call him.
The Italian Brazilian hybrid showed off his skill of knocking off other riders in the sprint race by sending Brad Binder into the drab scenery and causing a riot in South Africa…who at the time were, conveniently, rioting and looting flat-screen TVs.
However it was the main race when our boy Franky stepped up…by stepping up onto the podium. We at MGPNews always new he would come good.
