Nikolai Yezhov was the loveable pint-sized powerhouse of Joseph Stalin’s purges in the 1930’s. Nicknamed the “Poison Dwarf” for his short stature and venomous zeal Yezhov enthusiastically signed death warrants faster than wisdom chasing an Australian.
However in a classic commie comedy mix-up Comrade Yezhov ’s purge-happy antics ended with himself on the ‘naughty list’ in 1940 – because in Stalin’s Russia, the only thing more dangerous than being disloyal was being too loyal!
But did cheeky Yezhov actually end up at the blunt end of the hammer and sickle? A far more plausible explanation for his disappearance would be that HRC, sensing their lack of ability to build a decent bike, instead constructed a time machine to nip back to 1940 and over the iron curtain to steal away the miniature Russian. Once captured it would be just the simple matter of channelling his inner-evil into riding a RC213V, renaming him and teaching him Spanish and finally dumping him in MotoGP to wreak havoc. Simple!
So, given the two options and the fact they look identical, is Marc Marquez actually Nikolai Yezhov?
Yes, it’s him alright
Purge surge
Nikolai was known for efficiently ‘purging’ the competition in a brutal manner…and who does that remind us all of? Which rider would gladly eliminate his foes without any emotion?
And, believe it or not, that’s not even where the fantastic coincidences end.
Retroactive continuity
Check out these two photographs from 1937:
At first glance they’re identical in every way. But a further study shows that Marc, stood to the right of Joseph Stalin, has mysteriously disappeared! Ivan and his chums didn’t have access to Photoshop back then and Microsoft Paint was probably just as shite as it is today.
So what’s the most obvious solution? The simplest explanation is that the first photo (with Marc ) was taken and viewed by all. Crucially the second photo was not observed until ‘after’ the Spanish Antichrist had been beamed away meaning he was never there as stated in quantum mechanics and the double-slit experiment…probably.
History repeating and repeating
Interestingly this wouldn’t be the first time events that have happened in MotoGP bear no resemblance to what we all witnessed.
According to Wikipedia Joan Mir won the MotoGP World Championship in 2020. Suspiciously though no one can ever actually remember this happening – even Joan himself! When asked once about winning the title Mir claimed “I have no memory of this ever happening although I had been out with Héctor Barberá the night before.”
It’s probably not him
Out of time
Time travel isn’t actually possible. If it were we’d all hop back in time to invest in Apple, watch Capirossi ram off ‘not so happy’ Harada and advise Bradley Smith to invest in more hats.
Wrong kind of evil
The malicious exploits of HRC are well documented in oriental folklore as the dismembered bodies of dishonoured workers pile up in the Tokyo harbour. But despite their evil-DNA would the pint-sized Ruskie Yezhov be willing to join a Japanese firm given the 1905 punch-up and the failure of the Trans-Siberian Railway? Probably not. The warmongers over at BMW probably even less.
We predict Nikolai would only ride a Honda if it was rebadged as an Ural and that a tapestry of the Soviet invasion of Manchuria be hung on the back wall of his pitbox.
It’s entirely preposterous
See above. Chances are you’ve read this far because you’re bored waiting for the next race weekend to start.
