A four-gone conclusion? Maybe so, but let’s hand out the MGPNews Qatari awards.
The Magic Carpet Award
As we all know before the pro-oil Hummer SUV arrived to grace Qatar the main form of transport around the nation’s building sites was the magic carpet. Cheap, silent and with zero-emissions the rugs of the sky were everything the Arab nations stood against. Added to that any form of airborne transport that can be defeated by a moth isn’t a sound long term investment.
This award goes to the rider that put in a magical performance on a scruffy bit of bric-a-brac.
Winner: Maverick Vinales
At first it looked as if this prestigious award would be handed to Fabio Quartararararo for his gallant efforts to qualify his 2009 Yamaha R1 on the front row.
However at the 11th hour, or 3pm local time, the Bipolar Spaniard’s meds kicked in at the optimal time allowing Maverick to go full maverick in the main race. This was more against his current form than that time Kurtis Roberts entered a beauty pageant.
But for whatever reason (to be discussed later) Top Gun hit the afterburners and roared through the MotoGP bogies like a fighter jet with a caffeine addiction, nearly snatching victory in a blaze of glory.
Sadly though this far-fetched sequel was about to flop. Vinales was hit with the ‘Oxley ruling’ as his tyre pressures were deemed too low…possibly because his team had set them to accommodate his default position near the back.
The Porkless Award
Now it’s no exaggeration to state that eating bacon will save humanity as it’s no coincidence that most countries, bar the drunken commies, that want to kill each other lack delicious pork in their diet. Who would choose blowing themselves up over a bacon sandwich and mug of tea?
This award goes to the rider who made a pig’s ear of proceedings.
Winner: Pecco Bagnaia
“Just wait until Qatar! Qatar is Bagnaia’s track. Just wait until Qatar. Qatar, Qatar, Qatar…”
A win here would have been the perfect way for Baggers to stick it up the arse of his hated teammate…who of course he doesn’t hate. But it was beard-tears all-round with the classic Pecco plot twist to blow his victory lap before the race even started.
How? In qualifying the B-Spec factory Ducati rider turned the Qatari desert into his personal sandbox, sliding through the beach leaving fans groaning and his crew wondering if they should pack a broom for next time.
11th on the grid was always going to be too much of a hill to climb to beat his teammate who, unfortunately for the Italian, appears to be a lot better than him.
The Qatar World Cup Award
It was definitely nothing to do with bribery that Qatar, somehow, won the rights to host the 2022 World Cup despite not having any stadiums, no football fans and unable to host the event on the scheduled dates because it would be too hot. No bribery at all.
Luckily some massive sacks of cash, which weren’t bribes – so don’t think that, meant that all these ‘inconveniences’ were conveniently overlooked and the oil-rich nation set about dealing with the minor issues ahead of them.
But how would they build so many stadiums so quickly? Dirt cheap immigrant labour of course! The thinking man’s solution.
Sadly an analysis in February 2021 found that more than 6,500 migrant workers ended up as landfill thanks to horrendous working conditions and no health and safety measures. Football: The beautiful game.
This award goes to the rider that shouldn’t have been in Qatar and ended up injured.
Winner: Jorge Martin
Everyone wanted Jorge Martin back racing. But we wanted him to stay safe even more. We got a 50% success rate.
In practice, qualifying and the sprint race the current champion fell comfortably in to the ‘performed well considering…but we all secretly wished it was quite a bit better’ category. His visible injuries were clearly slowing him down but not ever to the point where he was in danger of being beaten by Somkiat Chantra.
But it went wrong on Sunday. Unlike the titanium frame of the Terminator the Martinator’s exoskeleton once again appeared to be made out of aged chalk. The Spanish champion fell awkwardly and then was hit by Fabio Di Giannantonio causing multiple fractures and injuries.
Jorge was immediately taken to the nearby hospital where they had a bed and a bone-fusing surgeon ready for him.
His list of injuries are pretty grim and no laughing matter.
The Human Rights Award
Speaking of not funny it’s almost impossible to find anything amusing to say about the Human Rights record of Qatar. Google it if you must.
This award goes to the rider who had no issues in other rider’s rights.
Winner: Alex Marquez
In Qatar Alex was keen to show he had the DNA of his brother and did so with flying colours…most of which were the colours of other manufacturer’s fairings.
After having a crack at his brother Alex’s main effort on Sunday was an ill-timed ram on Fabio Di Giannanannanannatonio that sent the VR46 rider scuttling off into the expanse of the desert.
Marquez Lite was awarded a long lap penalty for his rule breaking antics and told to go around with a plastic bag after the race and pick all the bits of lose carbon fibre he’d ripped off.
The Hot as Hell Award
The first ever MotoGP race at Qatar was held in 2004. At the time it seemed like a terrible idea – because it was. And still is. Luckily some carelessly abandoned big sacks of cash helped Dorna momentarily forget about the all-too-obvious problems.
But it turns out that deserts are hot for some reason. And riding burning motorcycles in leathers isn’t overly refreshing for the complaining riders. To quieten down the work-shy racers the Qatar circuit owners asked a bunch of local immigrants to throw up some floodlights and in 2008 MotoGP’s first ever night race was born.
This award goes to the hottest rider in Qatar in the dark.
Winner: Marc Marquez
God not him again? The Spanish Antichrist once again racked up pole and two wins. Better still he did this in front of his bitter ex-rival Valentino Rossi who had turned up hoping to hit max-gloat when his boy Pecco won both races…
