Miguel Oliveira, Portugal’s MotoGP star, is the unluckiest dude on two wheels. He may have skills—wins, podiums—but fate’s got a personal grudge leading to him being a magnet for hilarious disaster.
Because of this we at MGPNews thought it would be an excellent idea to catch up with the diary entries of Miguel to find out what’s been going on…
Saturday 15th March
Was looking forward to the sprint race but the rookie Fermin Aldeguer took me out before I could even get going.
Sunday 16th March
Returned to Portugal to undergo medical tests. The flight wasn’t comfortable as it would appear that a freak glitch in the airline’s booking system meant that my seat, and my seat only, was double booked. The aircraft staff thought the fairest way to settle the conflict was to toss a coin. I decided to toss the coin, as knowing my luck if the other guy did it then it would probably end up in my eye. Sadly the flicking motion caused a nerve to go in my shoulder leaving me in agony. Worse still the coin fell into that annoying gap between the seat and the armrest. The airline crew decided that it would be better if I was thrown in with the luggage.
The good news is that I’m finally in hospital in Portugal ready for the tests tomorrow.
Monday 17th March
Had an MRI scan today which detected a dislocation of the sternoclavicular joint with ligament rupture. Apparently that’s a one-in-ten-million chance injury. Or about one-to-one in my case.
The good news is that a surgeon happened to be hanging around and was available to operate on me immediately! Looks like my bad fortune is finally turning around!
Tuesday 18th March
Maybe I spoke too soon. It would appear that the ‘surgeon’ was in fact João ‘Assassino Louco’ Bananão – Portuguese’s most notorious medical impersonator who is famed for botching more than a hundred surgeries. Most of them on me. Seems though João escaped from prison after a meteorite hit the prison wall at the exact point he was outside having a smoke. The blinding flash meant no one saw him escape.
Looks like I’ll now need more surgery to fix the unnecessary surgery. What are the chances of that?
Wednesday 19th March
Not had any contact with my team or my family yet which is a bit of a worry. But the good news is that this hospital seems very efficient, and everyone appears to know exactly what they’re doing. Yamaha stated that they’d send me to the very best hospital and they’d pay for everything. At least that aspect has turned out in my favour!
Thursday 20th March
Maybe I spoke too soon. It would appear that I’m not in an hospital at all. Instead I’m just on the set of ‘Los Medicos de hoy’ – an Argentinian medical drama. That’s right, I haven’t even left the country. It seems that I’m an exact look-a-like for the show’s most famous actor who was filming a scene where he had fallen off his Yamaha motorcycle and was taken into surgery. A mix-up with the ambulances meant we ended up swapping places. I did wonder why I was having so much make-up applied but I just presumed it was so I looked attractive for when my sister visited.
I asked if my MRI scans were available at least but they informed me that I never had a scan but instead had been accidentally dropped into a shipping box for two hours with a load of used needles.
Friday 21st March
I’m learning that my look-a-like actor was sent back to Portugal in my place. He’s apparently loving the free Yamaha medical hospitality and refusing to leave. Worse still my family are convinced it’s me and are bringing him lashings of salted cod every day.
Meanwhile the producers of ‘Los Medicos de hoy’ are angry at me for laying around in bed all day and being a terrible actor. They say they will be billing me for the loss of filming time.
Saturday 22nd March
Still trying to leave Argentina but border-security are telling me I’ve already left the country. I tried contacting the Portuguese embassy but apparently they’re shut due to a freak gas-leak that may not be fixed for months.
Oh well. Onwards an upwards!
