Monday morning Jan 20th. Instead of coffee brewing it was a fresh pot of outrage. BlueSky timelines were no longer about what people ate for breakfast but rather a 24/7 live feed of existential crises over Trump’s latest tweet. Safe spaces were popping up faster than vape shops, where you could go to escape the sheer horror of a man with a bad combover running the powerful most country.
But despite these flag-waving meltdowns, Trump kept on Trumping, signing executive orders with the same enthusiasm Jack Miller uses on a new colouring book.
Luckily all this had nothing to do with our cosy MotoGP bubble. Whilst the protestors waved their signs (that were probably recycled from the last march against something offensive) and screamed defiance until they were blue in the hair we could sit back and enjoy the presidential prattling safe in the knowledge that our sport was safe.
But what if it wasn’t? What if, after invading Greenland and having the audacity to state there are only two sexes, the 47th PUSA turned his gaze on the Liberty owned MotoGP?
Remember the good old days in GP when American riders like Rainey, Schwantz and Roberts would pollute the top of the grid? Could Trump be interested in bringing those glory days back? If so, what would happen? Let’s find out.
The Trump Wall
Each circuit would get its own wall, “the biggest, most beautiful wall,” to keep Mexican spectators from interfering with the race.
Rider Nicknames by Trump
Every rider gets an official Trump nickname: “Sleepy Bastianini,” “Crooked Marquez,” and “Little Bagnaia” etc
Trump Hotels
Every circuit would be required to replace all accommodation with on-site Trump-branded luxury hotels. Golf course should also be built to compliment these hotels at the expense of the local poor people’s homes.
Race Coverage by Fox News
Expect commentary full of superlatives and an extensive focus on why MotoGP is “better than F1.” If the race is not won by an American rider/team then Fox News could blame the Biden Administration.
Influx of Grid Girls
Grid girls could make a spectacular comeback, wearing sequined MAGA dresses, handpicked/groped personally.
America First Tax
A 100% tax would be added to all expenses for none-American owned teams to help “drain the swamp” of European teams.
Criticism-Based Penalty System
Any rider or team who criticizes Trump on any social media gets an automatic 10-second penalty during the next race and referred to as a “stone cold loser” for the next three rounds.
Stolen Race Results
If Trump’s favourite all-American rider doesn’t win, he can claim it was stolen due to a lap-count fraud. Promote all angry fans to storm the press centre and comically steal things.
